Lost ih Seattle

I thought college would be my way out. That college was in Seattle. I thought dramatic changes would happen. I thought life would be different. I thought I would be happier and excel at what I put my mind to.

Seattle showed me otherwise. I felt more lost than I have ever felt. I didn't know where I was going. I was falling behind in classes and not doing as well as I wanted to, as well as, as great as I thought I would do. I felt like I couldn't get on track. I felt friendships were fleeting and my fear of not making friends were coming true. I didn't find "Mr. Right" let alone "Mr. Dating". I was disheartened, dismayed, in disbelief and just overall sad.

Now that I am in the midst of my third year of college and my life in Seattle I realized why I felt this way. It has dawned on me that I expected too much in such little time. I was feeling this way because for the first time in my life I could totally be myself. No more hiding my sexuality, which I felt was a big part of me that I have hidden away so deeply that I forgot it was there. Now in Seattle there was nothing holding me back and therefore nothing to hold back the avalanche of emotions and thoughts that have ensued the last three years.

I have slowly made progress. I have asked for help. I am currently enrolled in CAPS, Counseling and Psychological Services, at SU. It has open many doors and venues for me. I have always wanted to go and seek their services but I just never had time nor the true will power to go. Finally this year was the turning point. Joining PHAT gave me that extra push and I just went in and made an appointment. It could have not turned out better for me. My counselor happens to be a Gay male and can relate to many aspects of my life.

It has shown me that God has a plan that I am not privy too. I am glad He has one so I certainly do not. My faith has gotten stronger in Seattle. I will give the city that much.

I have also realized the key to my endeavors here: Change is not from the environment or externally but internally from within myself.

Now the true challenging part: Building on that idea. Hmmm.....