Promise Ring

I got a mood ring from the Director of the Office of Wellness and Health Promotion as they were leftovers from an event last year. I picked out one with moons on it given how much the moon plays into my mood and I thought it was very appropriate.

I happened to pick a very good mood ring in that it was one of the few that happened to change colors. Though, of course, it had nothing to do with my mood but more with the environment. Yet the ability for it to change just thrilled me.

I got this ring during my HIV scare. With that I made it into my promise ring. No not that kind of promise ring in regards to sex but a promise to myself. I would make a list of promises I would make to myself. Here are some of the things I came up with.

I promise to treat my body with respect:
In regards to sex, physical activity, healthy diet, good nutrition and listening to it in times of pain, anxiety, tiredness and distress.

I promise to myself that I deserve to be treated as a friend the way I treat my friends:
I will not be a friend of convenience, the back-up friend, the friend to go to when others friends are not around, the friend that can be taken for granted because they know I will always be there.
I will be a friend for the moment, the friend for late night talks, for midnight movies, for cooking great food, walking the city at night, for midterm studying, for traveling to new or old places. A friend for all seasons and all occasions.

I promise to something for me:
I will do things for myself not for others. I will try things I want to try. I will do things that make me happy and put a smile on my face. I will learn to blaance things in life that make me happy. I will make time for me.

I will promise to keep this promise.

Friendships

Friendship as Merriam-Webster defines it as: 1: the state of being friends; 2: the quality or state of being friendly.

After 21 years of friendships, bad ones, good ones, long ones, short ones, ones with girls, ones with guys, ones with heterosexual,s ones with homosexuals, ones with everyone of every race, different religions, socioeconomic backgrounds etc. I have come to figure out which ones are worth fighting for and which ones are not.

I am tired of people thinking that I am expendable, that I will always be here waiting for them that I don't need the attention and respect one would get for being a good friend. But to that I say, "BULL SHIT!"

I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I deserve to be seen as a valued friend. And why not? I am always there for my friends in dire crisis. I am always there for the big events that they have worked hard to put together or had some time and energy invested in. I am always trying to find things to with my friends, things we have never done before and things we have wanted to do.

Yet I feel that real friends come along only once in a 100 encounters. I have come to value the friendships that I see as worth while. I take in the little gestures of good faith and good will. Because friends aren't those who buy your friendship, or come to visit you when their others friends are not there but the ones that see you for who you are and value and admire what you can offer them:

Loyalty, Respect, Communication, Love and Friendship

Lost ih Seattle

I thought college would be my way out. That college was in Seattle. I thought dramatic changes would happen. I thought life would be different. I thought I would be happier and excel at what I put my mind to.

Seattle showed me otherwise. I felt more lost than I have ever felt. I didn't know where I was going. I was falling behind in classes and not doing as well as I wanted to, as well as, as great as I thought I would do. I felt like I couldn't get on track. I felt friendships were fleeting and my fear of not making friends were coming true. I didn't find "Mr. Right" let alone "Mr. Dating". I was disheartened, dismayed, in disbelief and just overall sad.

Now that I am in the midst of my third year of college and my life in Seattle I realized why I felt this way. It has dawned on me that I expected too much in such little time. I was feeling this way because for the first time in my life I could totally be myself. No more hiding my sexuality, which I felt was a big part of me that I have hidden away so deeply that I forgot it was there. Now in Seattle there was nothing holding me back and therefore nothing to hold back the avalanche of emotions and thoughts that have ensued the last three years.

I have slowly made progress. I have asked for help. I am currently enrolled in CAPS, Counseling and Psychological Services, at SU. It has open many doors and venues for me. I have always wanted to go and seek their services but I just never had time nor the true will power to go. Finally this year was the turning point. Joining PHAT gave me that extra push and I just went in and made an appointment. It could have not turned out better for me. My counselor happens to be a Gay male and can relate to many aspects of my life.

It has shown me that God has a plan that I am not privy too. I am glad He has one so I certainly do not. My faith has gotten stronger in Seattle. I will give the city that much.

I have also realized the key to my endeavors here: Change is not from the environment or externally but internally from within myself.

Now the true challenging part: Building on that idea. Hmmm.....